Building A Secure Base

This part of the work is my spin of the attachment-focused teaching of Laurel Parnell . The main premise here is internalizing ideal parental figures, so that we feel whole and met internally, and thereby can stand as a conscious adult - a capacitated, autonomous and undefended partner in relationship.

Most of us were raised by parents who either did the best they could to meet our needs or were not capable of meeting our needs. Because in reality no parent can meet all of our needs all of the time. For this reason, many walk through the world with varying degrees of perceived deficit (neediness, emptiness, loneliness, fear, boredom, overwhelm, insecurity) with which we are habitually trying to cope. This coping strategy sets us up to be unavailable for healthy adult relating, and if we are in relationship, to reach to our partner to meet our needs or to pull away from our partner to get space - all stemming from insecure attachment.

The process of internalizing an ideal mother and father allows a person to have an experiential felt sense that their needs are met. Following this process, the person can feel more secure internally irrespective of what a partner is doing or what is happening in the outside world.

I work with helping clients internalize the ideal parent figures meeting their needs at crucial developmental stages from newborn through teenage years. When the person feels met at each of these crucial stages they have more capacity to be grounded and aligned with an internal adult within themselves and as they engage relationship with other human beings and the outside world. Working on developing healthy attachment is essential in conscious relationship. Rather than habitually going to a partner to get needs met from an unmet child place inside, we attend to our own needs, meeting our feelings with adult conscious awareness, while remaining open and available.

Learn more about Attachment with this book , Attached - The New Science of Adult Attachment

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